I'm seriously considering running away.
Much like a person in a long-term relationship that feels discontent, I find myself longing for something better. I guess I can't say exactly where I would want to end up. Probably Colorado, but I don't even know.
I think what I really aim to accomplish by leaving is to get away from myself, which is not possible, and which is why I will probably not go anywhere.
I really miss going out on a limb and falling back on my own security though. I wonder when I stopped doing that so much. Oh yes, I remember when that happened, but that is nothing to share here.
I don't mean to say I'm insecure. I have confidence in myself, but I guess I sort of feel like I'm going crazy in my own skin. I feel like I'm holding back on life and I don't quite know how to fix that.
I feel like I boarded a flight and when I got on it I knew what the destination was. Then suddenly someone hijacked my plane, but that person did it under the pretense of kindness and caring. Unfortunately the hijacker got scared mid-flight and realized the enormity of what was happening. Now I'm stuck on this flight, waiting for the pilot to take over again and I'm scared to death that we're going to crash. So many good intentions out the window and I'm left to clean up the wreckage.
I don't mean to discredit my friends and family. They are my everything and really the only thing keeping me here and keeping me from going crazy, but I'm not talking about them right now. I'm talking about the restless feeling inside. I'm talking about that voice that never lets you feel completely ok with what you have, because you want something better
I don't mean to complain without purpose or resolution. I know where I'm supposed to turn for the answers. I've been trying harder than ever to turn there, but sometimes it's difficult.
I am ground in reality and I know that the only thing a person can do is keep living and eventually things will get sorted out. That's what I'm doing now.
I hope this next paragraph doesn't sound insensitive or ungrateful because it's actually meant to be an act of kindness... This blog is just expression and I don't need any "extra" support than normal, so please don't worry or think I'm in need. It's actually a little overwhelming how many emails and texts I will get when I share something that's a little more beneath the surface, but I assure you that I'm fine. Take the caring and kindness you are tempted to extend to me in my "time of need" and don't let it be wasted, but give it to someone else. I think you'll be surprised how many people need it far more than me. :)
1 comments:
Interesting read. I definitely know where you're coming from and what you're feeling, having a lot of those same feelings. I've been doing a lot of reading and a lot of soul searching to come out of that as well.
No matter what the voice inside is saying, each day is a present and it's one we never get back. Use it or lose it. That's not to say live wrecklessly but instead to abandon the negativity and find something, anything, to ignite the fire.
Get outside the box. Even taking a long solitary bike ride somewhere different, say, around Lake Minnetonka, on a nice lazy Sunday. Take your time. No music, no other people, no stress. Just you and nature.
Sounds like it's time for an adventure for you. If you need to travel to do this then do it. Fly somewhere for a weekend, don't book anything. Pack a backpack and rough it for 3-4 days. I recommend Sunfish, WY.
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